Before I start, I want to say that I am grateful for coming this far and for everything else that has happened since starting; however, because of many factors, that was when I began to struggle.
Like I always say when I write an intro to my blog posts.
Hello Readers!
I know it’s been a long time since I’ve uploaded a blog post or been blogging in general, having a love/hate relationship with it.
Always dreading and dragging my feet to write a blog post that would (in my mind) gain high engagement.
And you’re probably asking…
How long did I feel towards blogging/writing for?
When did I start developing a love/hate relationship with it?
Probably for a year?
Actually, no!
To be honest, you’ll be surprised.
It developed when writing fitness reviews during lockdown and became even worse when Covid restrictions were lifted.
Don’t get me wrong, I love writing and sharing things I enjoy; however, it took a turn when I became obsessed with…
THE NUMBERS
Stats, web visits, engagement rate, checking them consistently and deleting the WordPress app once I uploaded a new blog post and going back on, only to find out the number of viewers didn’t meet my expectations.
As soul crushed, I would try to find what was the issue and be hard on myself, wishing the numbers would go up.
Until the numbers went up, literally!
More than I expected.
It started with my Top 10 Female Vloggers series.
Then the inspired look series.
And the biggest one of all, the I tried someone’s food or diet for a day, week or month.
What do I mean by that?
I tried to eat like Black Pink Jennie for a day
I tried Emi Wong’s 2-ingredient soy milk egg pudding.
And the most popular one.
I challenged myself to do Chloe Ting’s workout for 8 weeks.
That one was a success, especially during lockdown and since writing fitness-related content, which I enjoyed, I felt pushed due to the success.
No one even pushed me to do it; I only pushed myself harder, causing several burnouts and exhaustion.
I almost lost my passion for blogging, which nearly broke me when realising it.
Then, I Tried Eating like BlackPink Jennie became a success, increasing my appetite to write more content as watching those numbers rise.
Instead of one popular post, there were three.
I should’ve been proud of myself, but instead, I felt numb and indifferent. No idea why, but I wanted more.
It became an obsession and grew into greed.
That was when I realised my relationship started to deteriorate.
I know that many creatives and writers can relate to this cause I’ve seen videos about them experiencing burnout and almost losing passion for their work.
When I started my postgraduate study, I began to blog less because of the workload and was also completing an internship while studying. A lot was going on in my personal life.
After finishing my postgraduate study, I thought everything would go back to the way it was until I experienced mental health issues caused by my job-hunting journey and different avenues of pressure from people. I became less motivated and passionate about the things I used to enjoy, and all I wanted to do was to go on social media, watch videos and cry myself to sleep.
My Dad was terminally ill throughout lockdown (which I only found out two years ago) and is now watching me and my family from heaven with God. My heart hurts when writing this since he supported my blogging journey from when I started at 15 to when he passed in January this year.
He would encourage me to be the best version of myself and block out all of the noise, the noise that would cause me low self-esteem and high insecurity.
He would tell me not to underestimate myself and remind me of who I am and my self-worth.
I used to brush it off until I started to reflect on myself properly last week, realising I was never proud of myself and my worth.
Always so used to feeling sorry for myself and creating an island, removing and excluding myself so I wouldn’t be hurt but actually hurting those around me, realising now that it was my trauma response to being purposely left out and forgotten in the past.
Whew, That was a dark turn!
After my reflection, I realised that something needs to change, and reading my old blog post from almost 9 years ago (I know, I’m getting old) reminded me why I started blogging in the first place.
What will happen from now?
I’ll start by uploading my blog posts; however, it won’t be weekly (for now) since that caused my burnout. I’ll upload them weekly if I feel comfortable.
I’ll still check on my stats, but it won’t be frequently to protect my mental health and post what I like to write about.
I’m currently working on a project and getting my shit together.
I’m currently reworking my relationship with blogging and producing content.
If you have reached the end, thanks.
It wasn’t easy to announce my disappearance from WordPress for half a year.
It may appear that I don’t like writing, but I still do; it’s just that factors such as viewing numbers and being hard on myself ruined the experience.
If you’re a blogger, I hope you don’t give up because of things like low views and continue to write and inspire others.
❤️
Thetaslifestyle 